I lay on my bed; curled up in a fetal position, sobbing tears so heart-wrenching, I could hardly breathe. The pain was so deep that my mind couldn’t comprehend how I would be able to survive past this moment. For the first time, I understood what people meant when they said the pain hurt so bad they wanted to die.
This blog entry is not for the faint of heart. It is real; it is raw, and incredibly transparent. But it is part of my journey with Jesus. It is a story of His emotional healing in me that changed my life, and set the stage for my calling and passion in the ministry of healing.
I would love to say the moment I described above was a one-time occasion. In fact, it was only one of many I had over the course of several years. But God, in His infinite kindness, knew He needed to build a foundation of intimacy for me to hold onto before He went deep into the places of pain within me that needed to be healed; places I never even knew existed.
This isn’t a story of my trauma, my childhood, the “what” or the “who.”
It is a story of redemption and of hope.
It is a testimony of God’s goodness amidst some of my darkest nights.
And it taught me to rely on and press into Him when I was alone and awake in my pain with only Jesus as my Source.
I still remember driving down Stark Street (Wow. That suddenly seems rather ironic), one afternoon many years ago and telling God, “Lord, I don’t care how badly it hurts; I just want to be healed!” It was a bold prayer; one wrought from a place of desperation and my longing for freedom from the chains that held me bound.
I wanted to be free from the fear of rejection, abandonment, and betrayal…
I wanted to walk out friendships without being driven by emotional dependency or co-dependent behaviors…
I wanted to know how to live in the fullness of my identity in Christ apart from other’s opinions, acceptance, or love.
God’s heart for us is always healing. Always. Over the course of the next several years, He was the gentle surgeon of my heart. He allowed circumstances to occur in my life which caused me to face my deepest fears; some of which came to pass. Yet each of those situations; no matter how painful, brought me to a place of emotional healing which I don’t believe would have happened any other way. He was answering my prayer. He knew the only way to bring me to a place of wholeness was by going “through,” and not “around.”
And now, today, I am a walking testimony of His healing transformation.
You might be asking how I made it to the other side of this mountain. Apart from the obvious answer of “Jesus,” it was because I chose to walk through the pain, and not avoid it, no matter how much it hurt. I surrounded myself with friends who were strong in their faith and continually spoke truth to me. But most of all, I learned to turn to Jesus first with my pain, to allow Him to speak His heart and truth to me, to rely on Him as my true Source, my one constant, the One who would never leave me or forsake me. His words breathed life into my soul.
I don’t know where you are at in your journey with Jesus; whether you believe in Him, or if you wonder whether He’s really there. Speaking as one who has lived through many a dark night, I can tell you that it was Jesus who brought me back to life, who healed this heart, and made me whole again.
He is your Hope and He is your Healer.
“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed. This poor woman cried out, and the Lord heard her, and saved her out of all her troubles.” (Psalm 34:4-6 personalized).